| Author |
Message |
    
Slaughter
| | Posted on Saturday, January 30, 2010 - 03:23 pm: | 
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Reg - it's STILL a good one-liner
Jesus loves me but he thinks you're an a s s h o l e.
(easy)
*insert smiley icon here |
Blake
| | Posted on Saturday, January 30, 2010 - 03:50 pm: |
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I thought it was "Jesus loves you, but I think you're an AH." |
Blake
| | Posted on Saturday, January 30, 2010 - 03:51 pm: |
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Or, "I'm an AH, but Jesus loves me anyway." That's the version I'm going with.  |
Tq_freak
| | Posted on Saturday, January 30, 2010 - 05:15 pm: |
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Mexican Words Of The Day
1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen, But che didn't know how to read, so I, shoulder.
4. * Texas *
When I'm not home, my fren always Texas me, che wonders where I am!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece. Then che got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store. But ju went to see sum guy, july to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but che said chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left but don't worry wheelchair.
10. *Chicken wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women. I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair. So I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club. But no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly? |
Sifo
| | Posted on Sunday, January 31, 2010 - 09:27 am: |
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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.
They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is." |
Metra6924
| | Posted on Monday, February 01, 2010 - 07:07 pm: |
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Terrorist Threats and Security Level Reactions
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, however, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Lets Get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British Army for the last 300 years.
The French raised their threat level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only thing they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Canada is planning to set up a scale of threat levels after the hockey season is over. It’s too cold for terrorists anyway.
New Zealand has also raised its security level from “baaa” to “BAAA!” Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “Sh*t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.
Australia meanwhile has raised its security level from “No Worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend”, and “The barbie is cancelled!” So far no situation has ever warranted the use of the final escalation level. |
Froggy
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 02, 2010 - 05:09 pm: |
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Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman. |
S1wmike
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 02, 2010 - 06:24 pm: |
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Do you know the difference between a redneck and a gentleman......
A gentleman gets out of the shower to urinate. A redneck shits in the tub |
Mr_grumpy
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 02, 2010 - 06:54 pm: |
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Due to the current recession the US Government has been programming cut backs & putting the redundant bankers to use.
NASA has had it's budget cut & has been forced to cancel it's manned lunar program for the time being, however the financial whizz kids are currently selling options on Mars with a view to a leverage buyout of Venus, using the Moon as a shell company.
The CIA meantime is being de-centralized to save money & at the same time is being out-sourced to home-workers with a high speed internet connection.
If you wish to become a part of this forward looking program cal 1-800-SPOOK & give the secret password.
Other Agencies are to be amalgamated to provide economies in the management sector.
The Postal service is to be combined with the FBI & the Secret Service, to create the United States Postal, Investigative & Secret Services, or USPISS.
While the Drug Enforcement Agency is to join with the Treasury & Homeland Security, in DEATHS.
Other Government departments will follow suit in a similar vein.
When asked for comment today an administration spokesman said.
"What me worry?" |
Tepiddeath
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 02, 2010 - 11:55 pm: |
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why do women wear perfume and makeup?
because they smell bad and they are ugly!!
(my favorite to tell when i am wearing perfume and makeup!) |
Vampress
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 07:54 am: |
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and, just to make sure EVERYBODY is offended - the worst joke i have ever heard....
What's the best thing about sleeping with 9 year-old girls?
if you flip them over, they look just like 8 year-old boys
Hey Puff...here's a new worst one to add to that list...
What's the best thing about sleeping with 9 year old girls?
There's nine of them. |
S1wmike
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 08:38 am: |
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What's the best thing about sleeping with 9 year old girls?
There's nine of them.
Damn Vamps that's an all time low |
Wolfridgerider
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 08:43 am: |
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a black guy, a mexican and a jew walk into a bar.... the bartender looks at them and says
"Get the f#$k out" |
Wolfridgerider
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 09:27 am: |
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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us." |
Mr_grumpy
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 11:20 am: |
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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman are crossing the desert when their car breaks down irreparably.
The Englishman says "Well it looks we're walking from here so we'll all have to take something from the car to help us on the way."
So they set to work & after a short time are ready to go.
The Englishman is carrying the stoppered radiator & says "I'm taking this to carry the water in"
The Scotsman says "I'm taking the fuel tank so that we can cook, & light a signal fire to help rescuers find us."
They both turn to look at the Irishman who is carrying the drivers door.
"Why are you taking that?" asks the Englishman.
Paddy replies "Well if it gets too hot, I can wind down the window" |
Hr_puffinstuff
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 11:27 am: |
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this one is my IQ test.
why don't women have any brains?
no penis to put them in
when i was younger, (and dinosaurs roamed the earth...) i would throw this one out whenever a buddy showed up w/ a new GF. if she laughs, she's a keeper. if she gets pissed, trade up. you'd be surprised at the success ratio.
(Message edited by HR_Puffinstuff on February 03, 2010) |
Sifo
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 07:27 pm: |
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
' OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. 'They won't let me in without a tie!' |
Pistole_pete
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 03, 2010 - 09:58 pm: |
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So a child predator took a kid into the woods. The sun was setting and the kid says "It's getting dark, I'm scared". Child predator says, "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone!" |
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