| Author | Message | ||
     Danger_dave |
This bear walks into a bar. The barman asks 'what will it be?' The bear says 'a large bourbon and.......................................coke, please.' The barman says 'Sure, but why the big pause?' The bear says 'Hey - I'm a bear.' | ||
| Rocketsprink |
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| Brumbear |
A bear and a rabbit sitting on a log havin a crap the bear says excuse me Mr. rabbit? Yes says rabbit? Bear: do you have problems with shyte sticking to your fur? Rabbit: Why no Mr. Bear not at all with that bear picks up rabbit and wipes his arse with em  | ||
| Xbrad9r |
There's this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun. The other hunters are very curious. "How you gonna get a bear without a gun?" they ask. "Do you have a knife?" "No," says the guy. "Do you have a club?" "No," says the guy. "Don't you worry. I'm gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see." The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours. Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin. Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, "Open the cabin door! Open the door!" They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too. Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, "You skin that one. I'll go get another." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
This horse walks into a bar, slides on to a stool & props his head on a hoof; After a couple minutes the barman comes up to him & says, "Hey, why the long face?" | ||
| Sarodude |
Back in the day, my homophobe buddy wandered into an IRC chat called the Bear Cave. Does that count? -Saro | ||
| Ezblast |
Bear necessities of life! EZ | ||
| Cyclonedon |
HELP!!! I can't bear it any longer! | ||
| Augustus74 |
Just grin and bear it?!?! | ||
| Bobbuell1961 |
Mr Grummpy, stop horsing around! | ||
| Zane |
I can't stand this all this pun-ishment | ||
| Americanmadexb |
i will see this thread in archives soon... out of Bear Pun's... oh wait.. Q: What is a bear's favourite drink? A: Koka-Koala! | ||
| Thepod |
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant? A: Apologize and wipe it off! | ||
| Danger_dave |
This White Horse walks into a bar. The Barman says 'Hey - we've got a Whiskey named after you!' The Horse says 'What...George????'. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Man walks into a restaurant and says; "Give me a crocodile sandwich & make it snappy!" | ||
| Kyrocket |
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. The bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful." | ||
| Vampress |
A piece of string walks into a bar The bartender says "we don't serve pieces of string in here" The string walks back out, ruffles one end of himself up, twists into a mess and walks back in. The bartender says "hey! Are you a piece of string?" He replies..."nope I'm a frayed knot" | ||
| Vampress |
A man is out hunting for bears when a grizzly sneaks up and grabs him. The bear says (to the guys amazement) "You choose...I can have my way with you and set you free never to return, or I can kill you" The man chooses to live and after the bear is done, he leaves. Next season the man returns. The same grizzly bear sneaks up and grabs him. The bear says once again "I can either have my way with you and set you free never to return, or I can kill you" Once again the man decides he wants to live and leaves once the bear is finished with him. The next season the man returns, determined the catch the bear. Once again the bear sneaks up and grabs him. With a curious look the bears says "you don't come here for the hunting do you?" | ||
| Sifo |
A guy walked into a bar and said, "Ow!" | ||
| Fast1075 |
Vamp  | ||
| Sifo |
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!" | ||
| Etennuly |
A sick drunk guy with a speech impediment and hearing problem in a noisy bar orders a drink, the bar tender didn't hear him and asked him to repeat his drink order. Well he couldn't hear the bartender either. Just as the music stops he yells very loudly "So you suck twat? I got this infuction in my ear and I cu_t quite queer you!" I know.....mom is not always impressed with me either. | ||
| Sifo |
A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!" | ||
| Strokizator |
Three missionaries are captured by a hostile tribe of bushmen. The chief explains that as punishment for their crime of trespassing they can either accept being passed among the tribal men or death. The first says he doesn't want to die so he'll take the first option. The chief stands up before the crowd, raises his arms and yells "BUFU!" whereupon the crowd goes wild as the man is handed down into the gathered masses. The second guy shivers at the grizzly sight but also doesn't want to die so he accepts his fate. Again the chief stands, raises his arms and yells "BUFU!". The crowd goes wild as the man is handed down. The third missionary, having witnessed these perverse acts says "The hell with that, I'll take death". Upon hearing this, the chief stands, raises his arms and yells "DEATH . . . . . . by BUFU!" | ||
| Kyrocket |
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs." | ||
| Sifo |
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." | ||
| Kyrocket |
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A panda walks into a restaurant & orders a 3 course dinner from the young waitress, as he finishes the dessert the waitress comes to the table & asks if everything was fine. The panda leaps up, slams her over the table, rips her panties off & gives her a good seeing to, then calmly starts walking out. The manager shouts "hey you can't do that who do think you are?" The panda throws him a dictionary, says "I'm a panda look it up" then goes on his way; The stunned manager looks up the correct page to find, Panda- Large black & white bear. Eats shoots & leaves. | ||
| Americanmadexb |
A Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a Beer and a Mop........ | ||
| Just_ziptab |
When you are down in the dumps and think you have real PROBLEMS, Just remember: SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD THERE IS A MR. PELOSI. | ||
| Theironmaiden22 |
There's 3 Nuns. All in their mid 20's and decide they need 'adventure' in their life of the cloth. So, the first goes out and gets drunk, comes back to church and confesses, the Father says to drink some holy water and you'll be fine. The second penguin goes out and gets drunk and gets laid, she goes back and confesses and drinks some holy water too. The cunning Priest, knowing there was only 3 Nuns in that church asks the third if there is anything she needs to talk about. She ushers him into the confessional and says 'Father, I pi$$ed in the holy water.' | ||
| Americanmadexb |
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Grilled Cheese Sandwich, $1.50...chicken sandwich, $2.50...hand job, ten bucks." He says to the cute blonde barmaid, "Excuse me Miss, but are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" She says, "Yes, I am." He says, "Then go wash your hands and fix me a Grilled Cheese Sandwich"! |
