| Author | Message | ||
     Mr_grumpy |
Just a thread to share stuff that I had emailed to me. Join in with pleasure, but please NO political stuff. My Sis sent me this one, a letter to a UK government minister. Rt Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State. Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House 17 Smith Square London SW1P 3JR 16 July 2009 Dear Secretary of State, My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear? I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)? In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election. Yours faithfully, Nigel Johnson-Hill | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
This from my mate Nick in Texas. Proverbs from "Larry the cable guy." 1.A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future.. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. | ||
| Sifo |
For 2 years an Italian man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and; fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.' | ||
| Neurorider |
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| Iman501 |
A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection while one is welding; however, there are definitely many other uses for a welding helmet. A welding helmet is a very practical item that should be found in every home. Here are a few ways you could find yourself in desperate need of a welding helmet: 1. You can't find your bike helmet, a welding helmet offers almost as much protection as the bucket helmet. 2. You lost your Darth Vader mask on the opening day of a Star Wars movie. A welding helmet is a good substitute; however, you will have to mimic the Darth Vader breathing noises yourself. 3. You do not know your science very well but think it would be cool to make your own fireworks. 4. You are scared of identity theft. 5. You wear a welding helmet in hopes of attracting women, making it clear to them that you are manly and can fix things. 6. You want to reenact the opening credits from The Simpson's and you are playing the part of Homer in the nuclear power plant (in this case, you will also need a glow stick). 7. You think that cartoons are real and there is a possibility of an anvil dropping from the sky. 8. If people who look at you turn into stone then you might want to wear a welding helmet. 9. You want to give your kids a punishment they won't forget and decide to make them wear the welding helmet to school for a week. 10. If you are scared of having sex. 11. You have horrendously bad breath and/or forgot to put you makeup on. 12. You can't find your sunglasses. 13. You are someone who always wants to be on top of fashion and thinks that welding helmets could be the new thing. 14. You are sick of relatives pinching your cheeks at family reunions. 15. You are a celebrity and you don't want the paparazzi taking any pictures of you. 16. You are sick of shallow people falling for you because of your looks and want people to like you for your witty humor. Wearing a welding helmet would definitely be a way to see if that special someone likes you because of your personality. 17. You think that the end of the world is near and somehow a welding helmet will save you. 18. You want people to think that you are weird, have learning problems, or that you are half man and half machine. 19. You want to do your own rendition of Phantom of the Opera called Phantom of the Tool Shed. 20. You think that your partner in your science lab class secretly wants to destroy you. 21. You had an extremely bad haircut. 22. You think you are like Cyclops from X-Men and you have uncontrollable optic blasts from your eyes. 23. You want to scare little children. (Carrying a blow torch and laughing will also help you in this goal). 24. You don't ever want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. 25. And I guess you might possibly want a welding helmet if you think you will possibly be welding. These are just a few of the reasons that it is probably a good idea for you to wear a welding helmet. After you get your own welding helmet, I am sure that you will find this list to be very limited and you will find thousands of other uses for it. | ||
| Iman501 |
A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills. Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?” Indian: “Dog don’t talk.” Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?” Dog: “Doin’ all right.” Indian: (Look of shock!) Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (pointing at the Indian) Dog: “Yep.” Cowboy: “How does he treat you?” Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.” Indian: (Look of total disbelief) Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?” Indian: “Horse no talk.” Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?” Horse: “Cool.” Indian: (Extreme look of shock!) Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing to the Indian) Horse: “Yep.” Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?” Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements.” Indian: (Look of total amazement) Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?” Indian: “Sheep lie.” | ||
| Iman501 |
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in… P….. E….. N….. I….. S….. His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD DENIED – NOT LONG ENOUGH | ||
| Sifo |
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!" | ||
| Cityxslicker |
Half the marriages end in divorce The other half you get out when you die. I do suppose that is why I am still single  | ||
| Hex |
My lady and I have been happily single for ten years now. The door is always open. Works for us. | ||
| Sifo |
A Jewish man sends his son to Jerusalem and was very dismayed when his son became a Christian. So he discussed this with his Rabbi. His Rabbi confided that he also sent his son to Jerusalem and that he too became a Christian. They were both quite concerned about this so the Rabbi suggested that they pray about this. After a moment of prayer they heard a voice from above that said "Funny you should mention it. I sent my son to Jerusalem and..." | ||
| Vampress |
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. Rabbi Gold is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?" "Why, we gather them carefully and send them back to the company and then once a year they send us a complete loaf." Annoyed that the Rabbi had an answer, the tax official tried again. "Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the drippings?" Realising the official was now trying to catch him out, the Rabbi replied, "We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and once a year they send us a complete pack "And what about the circumcisions? What do you do with those leftover pieces?" "Ah those", the rabbi wearily, replies, "We send those to the tax office and once a year they send us a complete dick!" | ||
| Sifo |
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| Gregtonn |
A rabbi was asked what were done with with the pieces after circumcisions. "We make them into wallets." "Really?" "Yes and if you rub them briskly they will turn into a suitcase." G | ||
| Oldog |
In keeping with the holidays and the side splitting south park episode about the "F-- Word" I got inspired here is a brief essay in pictures and words I had business related to my home purchase and a doctors appointment about an ear ache While waiting on the pharmacy I found some cheap little LEDs' So  What happens when 'Oldog has an extra $5.00, and gets an Idea? take this  Do this with some scotch tape, and about 30 seconds of planning  and as they say in the "south of France",  "Waller" which translates to Blubb-Blubb-Blubb Merry Christmas, | ||
| Tepiddeath |
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell bad! |
