| Author | Message | ||
     U4euh |
WALMART APPLICATION This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas" (They hired him because he was so funny........you gotta love it!!!) NAME: George Martin SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.? Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE.... 7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. Wal-Mart hired him on the spot. | ||
| U4euh |
IRISH GAS STATION Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything | ||
| Tq_freak |
there are a biker and a preacher sitting next to each other on a plane, the flight attendant comes around and ask's the two men if they would like a drink. the biker says "I would like a scotch and water" The preacher is quick to interupt and loudly states "I would rather be ravaged by whores then let liquer touch my lips" Both the biker and attendent are taken a back for a sec when then the biker pushes his drink back and says "I didnt know we had a choice" | ||
| Tq_freak |
Blonde joke Q: "what is closer Florida or the moon?" Blonde: "Duh, I can see the moon" (Message edited by Tq_freak on July 14, 2006) | ||
| Midknyte |
NEAREST RELATIVE.... 7 miles Only way that could'a been funnier is if he had answered that one: 6 feet. Under. | ||
| Sonomacyclone |
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature, but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'BANG, BANG'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." | ||
| Davegess |
90 plus year old George Burns when asked what his doctor said about his cigar smoking and drinking said "My docter died." | ||
| U4euh |
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list: If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now. | ||
| Luvinit |
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