| Author | Message | ||
     Duff24 |
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wisconsin, Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, North Dakota, and South Dakota; those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state: 1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. 2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way. 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it. 4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women. 5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait. 6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink. 9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 10. You bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. 11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year. 12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute. 14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop. 15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 80 & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29 & 35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly. 16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church. 17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept? 18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish. 19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is. Now, enjoy your visit and go home. | ||
| No_rice |
these two are great! 1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. 2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way. but this one by far is the funniest damn thing! LMAO! and true 11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year. | ||
| Duff24 |
Yeah those are so true I just had to share... | ||
| U4euh |
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. AMEN BROTHER!!! 17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept? A dying concept | ||
| Kdan |
I had a boss in Connecticut who called the midwest, 'Filler". He'd say there's the East Coast, the West Coast and the rest is all filler. When I drove to Winnipeg to visit the Moms, I brought him back license plates from each of the "Filler" states. | ||
| Lowflyer |
20. Yes, much of the terrain is generally flat, featureless and boring. So's your wife's ass.  | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Oh Yes, thanks, I really enjoyed that, specially #7.  | ||
| Bomber |
as a lifelong midwesterner, a big thanks for the list -- good to laugh first thing in the morning! | ||
| Skyguy |
As a native Californian I have to respond to that midwest list.. 1. Hey Farmboy! I have been on the road commuting before you even got up! 2. It's called Asphalt and if you have seen our roads you would know we need that comfy 4x4. Now get that slow ass Chevy out of my way. 3. Most of us have been hunting for a parking space since we were seven. And we learned how to shoot right about the time we learned to drive. 4. You have women? Drove thru there once and all I saw was plaid. 5. I have only seen one catfish and it was attached to some rednecks arm. Besides they don't let me bring my fly rod to the restaraunt. 6. Pants? I live in Southern Cali. What are pants? Are they longer than shorts? 7. If my cell phone rings while I am driving I will likley run over the mallards. Who needs hunting? 8. We have french cuisine here in SoCal. Cooked meat is for the masses. 9. We have yummy ice cream drinks. Whats Whisky? 10. Haven't you all heard Coke is sooo passe. we are into meth now. 11. We have BOTH arms so have never driven a conmbine. 12. How do you practice timeing lights if you only got one stop sign? 13. Our women hunt and fish as well. They are also acomplished Gold miners..... 14. We have four hundred fast food restaraunts in every block so don't pretend YOU eat crap. 15. You telling me bacon comes from pigs? 16. We also have an "opener" its called first day of lobster season. 17. We also wave but being more efficient out here we prefer to use just one finger. 18. We don't have fish in our golf ponds anymore. They were all caught by the illeagal immigrents. 19. We would say sir when pulled over also but we are to busy ducking the officers bullets. | ||
| Lowflyer |
For the crime of using the words "passe" and "yummy" in a motorcycle forum, I hereby sentence you to the forfeiture of anything remotely masculine in your possession.  | ||
| Gearhead998 |
Lowflyer, #20 was great!!! | ||
| Skyguy |
opps I forgot my answer to number 20! 20. If we went home the midwest would get real crowded. | ||
| M1combat |
"3. Most of us have been hunting for a parking space since we were seven. And we learned how to shoot right about the time we learned to drive. " So you still haven't learned to shoot then? "9. We have yummy ice cream drinks. Whats Whisky?" Uhh... Yummy? | ||
| Skyguy |
Sorry about the yummy thing but us SoCalers tend to be more in touch with our feminine side....... Besides how else can you possibly describe an alcoholic drink made with ice cream........... I have to go drag my knee now........ | ||
| M1combat |
"Besides how else can you possibly describe an alcoholic drink made with ice cream........... " I don't know... I don't drink them  . Straight Jaggermeister or Bass Ale for me please . Sorry... I didn't mean to pick on you personally , just trying to be funny. Speaking of dragging a knee... I got my one piece Moto-GP Kangaroo leather in the mail yesterday . Fits like a glove . | ||
| Skyguy |
Lol no funny ice cream drinks for me either! Good dark beer or tequila! i did not thnink you were picking (: I need a new race suit but am to poor for a minute as I just bought a hot air balloon! | ||
| Duff24 |
lol, wow that's quite a transition... | ||
| M1combat |
You know... I think it would be a blast to see if I could make it to China in one of those. Now that I think about it though... I think I'd have to go the long way right? I'm sure it would be an adventure anyway. What's the fatality rate in balloon crashes? | ||
| Josh_ |
Skyguy's is hilarious, but I don't get #11? | ||
| Skyguy |
1. yes you would have to go the long way. As for fatality rate I am unsure. Safer han my other gig though. (paragliding school). Although that is kinda debatable as I have logged over 3,600 injry free flight hours in paragliders. Now if I could only get the "free flight needle" into Al Lightons arm................. My Buell would be sooooo nice! |
