| Author | Message | ||
     5liter |
> Tools and their uses . . . > DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat > metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and > flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly > painted airplane part you were drying. > > BELT SANDER: Used for making rectangular gouges in wood. > > PAD SANDER: Used for easing the edges of the rectangular gouges. > > RANDOM ORBIT SANDER: Used for removing the marks left by the PAD SANDER, > usually on any surface perpendicular to the original gouge. May also be > used to make semicircular gouges in wood. > > DETAIL SANDER: Makes triangular gouges, generally in blind corners. > > BISCUIT JOINER: Tool used to misalign wood in a very consistent manner > which can then be sanded heavily (See BELT SANDER). > > CHISEL: Multi use tool - good for making deep cuts in the hand. > > CORDLESS DRILL/POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screw > heads at high speed. > > ROUTER: Used to darken wood by friction and make smoke. For this latter > purpose, it replaces the incense used by primitive woodworking cultures > who wished to influence the woodworking deities. When used with a ROUTER > TABLE this tool can be used to make varying profiles using a single bit > and a single depth setting. > > TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be > immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made > with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world. > > NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish > nail. Principally used for decoration. > > CLAMPS: These come in two sizes: too small and loaned to an in-law. > > WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under > the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and > hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, > "Ouch...." > > ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes > until you die of old age; with the proper accessories, used to destroy > perfectly good wood in many ways. > > PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. > > HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board > principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable > motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal > your future becomes. > > SABER SAW: See Hacksaw. > > VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, > they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your > hand. > > OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable > objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside > the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. > > WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and > motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 > socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. > > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after > you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle > firmly under the bumper. > > 8-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic > jack handle. > > TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. > > PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic > floor jack. > > PHONE (alt.): Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your > CLAMPS . > > TABLE SAW: Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary. > > MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary. > > THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary. > > JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly > straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight > but non-parallel. > > SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for > spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot. > > E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known > drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway. > > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on > everything you forgot to disconnect. > > CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has > an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. > > AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. > > TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a > drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," > which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, > it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate > that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours > of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is > somewhat misleading. > > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style > paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, > as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. > > AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning > power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that > travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty > bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly > rounds off their heads. > > PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket > you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part. > > HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is > used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far > from the object we are trying to hit. > > HAMMER (alt.): Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer > continues to be the tool of choice for making medium sized circular > depressions in wooden surfaces of all kinds. > > UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard > cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents > such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector > magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. > > UTILITY KNIFE (alt.): Used to slice through the fingers. For purposes of > sanitation, the blades are easily replaceable. > > DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage > while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool > that you will need. > > EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow > eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in > foresight | ||
| Tramp |
Possibly the funniest thread I've ever read here. 5 stars, two thumbs up  | ||
| Leftcoastal |
I don't want to sound paranoid, but have you been watching me while I'm at work? AL | ||
| Buellfighter |
Especially like the one about the engine hoist. | ||
| Nutsosane |
May I also suggest...BFH(big effing hammer) my brother loves to use this to "adjust the transmission"  Great post. NUTS | ||
| 5liter |
A friend of mine sent that list to me. I think I've used every one on it at sometime or other! | ||
| 5liter |
I use the "Dammit" tool alot.  | ||
| Metalstorm |
"TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect." Somebody call me a doctor. I can't stop laughing.  | ||
| Davegess |
That is one of Peter Egan's better columns. If he had a dollar for every time it has been posted on the internet he would own even more bikes. | ||
| Bomber |
and I could charge more for my autograph! | ||
| Tq_freak |
that is freakn good, goin to show this to my father the mechanic and hope he doesnt pee himself. Great post | ||
| Dragon_slayer |
Hey you forgot snap-ring pliers: tool used to launch small circular metal rings into space! |
