| Author | Message | ||
     Cochise |
Heard a new one to me today, anybody else have one? A Baby Seal walks into a club... P.S. I gave myself the one star for that joke  (Message edited by cochise on December 08, 2005) | ||
| Tramp |
termite walks into a bar says "is the bartender here?" * * * * * I said "says 'is the bar TENDER here?'" * * (crickets chirping) | ||
| Tramp |
mushroom walks into a bar, bartender says "hey, pal- we don't serve your type here" mushroom says "whatsa matter? I'm a fun guy!" * * * * I said, " mushroom says 'whatsa matter? I'm a funGI!'" * * * (crickets chirping) * * * (tramp sweats, tugs at his collar) "tough room" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Man walks into a Bar, says Ouch, * * * * It was an iron bar! * * * * (groans) | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
White Horse walks into a bar, Barman says "Why the long face?" * * * * * (ok ok I'm going) * * * (but I'll be back!) | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Ethnic/religious minority person of your choice, walks into a bar with a pig under his arm, * * * Barman says, "Where the hell did you get that?" * * * Pig says "I won him in a raffle" * * * (thank you, thank you, you've been great, no really............) | ||
| 99x1 |
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here!" | ||
| Tramp |
guy calls restaurant, asks if they serve shrimp. "sure, pal, we'll serve anybody, any size" *rim shot* * * * (throat clearing) * * * (coughing heard in back of room) * * * * Whoaa! tough room! I'm here every sunday, try the veal, tip your waitress * * rim shot * * * groan | ||
| Road_thing |
Skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop..." | ||
| Tramp |
My #1 favourite, RT!!!!!!  (can't believe I forgot that one) 5 stars | ||
| Blackbelt |
Bear walks into a bar, orders a beer. Bartender says "we don't serve bears here!" Bear walks over to a lady at the end of the bar, mauls her and eats her.. Walks back over to the bartender and Demands a Beer. Bartender says "I definetly won't serve you now." Bear says "Why not?!" Bartender replys "we don't serve Bears, especially Bears on Drugs!" Bear says "What do you mean Drugs??" Bartender replys "I saw that Bar-Bitch-You-ATE"  | ||
| Niceharleystuff |
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!" A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road." | ||
| Rpmchris |
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While being served, he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a one-foot-tall man dressed in tux 'n tails. The little man promptly runs over to the piano in the corner and begins playing beautifully. The bartender asks, "What's up with the miniature piano player?!" The man says, "I ran across an oil lamp, polished it, and a genie popped out. The best I can figure, that genie thought I asked for a 12-inch pianist." Ba-dum-sssshhhhh.... | ||
| Rpmchris |
A man walks into a bar and asks for a shot of 12-year-old scotch. The bartender turns around and pours him a shot of the house scotch and serves the man. The man looks at it, drinks it, and says, "That was your house scotch, and it was only 2 years old. I want 12-year-old scotch." The bartender apologizes, turns around, and pours a shot of good 8-year-old scotch, and serves it. The man looks at it, drinks it, and says, "That was very good 8-year-old scotch, but I asked for 12-year old scotch." The bartender apologizes again, and finally serves him the best 12-year-old scotch in the bar. The man looks at it, drinks it, thanks the bartender, pays and turns to leave. An old drunk sitting at the end of the bar slurs to the man, "Hey, buddy...what 'm I drinkin'?" The man takes the challenge. He picks up the old drunk's drink, looks at it, drinks it, spits it out, and yells, "That tastes just like urine!" The old drunk says, "Yeah, but how old am I?" | ||
| Crusty |
Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one turns to the other and says,"Does this taste funny to you?" | ||
| Hattori_hanzo |
In your best Andrew Dice Clay voice, repeat after me: A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?!" And repeat: A lady walks into a bar carrying a duck... The bartender says, "Hey! We don't serve pigs here!" The lady says, "It's not a pig it's a duck!" The bartender says, "I was talkin' to the duck!" | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Cochise, This ones for you - only in Newfoundland can you get this.  | ||
| Lake_bueller |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?" The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good." The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?" "Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running." | ||
| Lake_bueller |
Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again. They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar." So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts. Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?" The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot." | ||
| Niceharleystuff |
Newfie - This one's for you. A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal. | ||
| Lake_bueller |
okay....last one: A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." | ||
| 1313 |
Two men walk into a bar. . . . . . . You'd have thought the second one would've seen it. Corny, but oddly - at times - funny. 1313 (Message edited by 1313 on December 08, 2005) | ||
| Tramp |
for me, this was one of those times.  | ||
| Cochise |
A big, burly fellow with an alligator on a leash plops down at the bar and says, (in deep, gruff voice)Do you serve Democrats here?" The bartender says, "yes sir, we sure do." Burly man says, "Good, I'll have a beer and my pet alligator will have a Democrat." A Grasshopper sits down at a bar, the bartender says, "Hey, cool, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "you've got a drink named Steve??" | ||
| Ninemileskid |
A giraffe walks into a bar and says "The highballs are on me!" | ||
| Doughnut |
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved in his pants. Bartender asks, "whats the deal with the steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate replies, "Argh, its driving me nuts!" | ||
| Captpete |
Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash down the trail dust. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller,” asks one of the cowboys? No, the woman shakes her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I never seen anybody do it." | ||
| Oldog |
What do they call a beautiful Girl in ____________ [ you name the place ] . . . . . . . . . Tourist! . . . . er hello are you there? . . . . . | ||
| Phonemanjustin |
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?" The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?" The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me? | ||
| Tramp |
um...........................excuse me, justin, but............ what IS "excuse me?" |
