| Author | Message | ||
     Blackbelt |
Harley Davidson vs Woman Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally, 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous." "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours." | ||
| Buell12hundo |
 that is dam funnE | ||
| Jarhead |
ROFLMAO!!!!!!! | ||
| Bruce_bueller |
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!" SEE NOT ALL LAWYERS ARE BAD... | ||
| Cochise |
Three Nuns die and go to the Pearly Gates. St Peter says since you have done good work on Earth you get to go back as any one you want but you can't go back as yourself. The first Nun thinks for a couple of minutes and says, "I would like to go back as Madonna." Poof. Second one thinks for a few minutes and says, "I want to be a Mother Theresa." Poof. The third one doesn't skip a beat and says, "Sarah Pippaleenie, Sarah Pippaleenie!" St. Peter says," I don't know that name, are you sure you know who you are speaking of?" She pulls a newspaper clipping out of her habits. St. Peter starts laughing his head off. "Why are you laughing?" she asks. He says, "No, no, no, Sister Mary, that's the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in six months." | ||
| Smoky |
Subject: Rookie vs. Veteran A Rookie loses his lunch at a homicide scene. A Veteran eats his lunch at a homicide scene. A Rookie uses the McDonald's drive thru so he won't miss a call. A Veteran spends 45 minutes drinking coffee at Tim Horton's. You can't read a Rookies name plate because it's polished so brightly. A Veteran doesn't wear one, for liability reasons. A Rookie puts too much in reports. A Veteran doesn't put enough into reports. A Rookie loves foot pursuits. A Veteran makes the rookie do foot pursuits. A Rookie is given 40 hours training on communications at the academy. A Veteran was given 40 rounds of ammunition when he left the academy. A Rookie wants everyone to know he is a cop. A Veteran doesn't want anyone to know he is a cop. A Rookie loves to find stolen vehicles. A Veteran doesn't care about stolen vehicles unless someone is in them. A Rookie can spot an expired tag at 50 yards. A Veteran can't spot anything at 50 yards. A Rookie spends 2 hours on a follow-up. A Veteran gives the follow-up to detectives. A Rookie thinks every death is a homicide. A Veteran thinks every death is a suicide. A Rookie calls the brass by their rank. A Veteran calls the brass by their first name. A Rookie carries a laptop computer. A Veteran writes on his hand. A Rookie checks out deserted spots in hope of finding a drug deal in progress. A Veteran checks out deserted spots in hope of finding a place to sleep. | ||
| Bruce_bueller |
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US... An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel,the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." _____ FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." I CAN HEAR JUST FINE! Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______ ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" __________ OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" > | ||
| Cochise |
An old man asked about hunting in Africa, says, "There I was in the bushes, I had my sights set on a huge Elephant with ten foot tusks, all of a sudden a huge ROAAAAAR from out of the bushes, Oh Man, I just crapped my pants." Interviewer says, "Hell, if that happened to me I'd probably crap my pants too." The old man says, "No, I mean when I went ROAAAAR." |
