| Author | Message | ||
     Wardog3187 |
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| Odie |
Sooooooo true.......Ha!Ha! | ||
| Ara |
Most logical. Spock would be proud. And boy, am I going to have fun with this! | ||
| Naughtynurse |
LOL we could say the same for you men as well!!!!  | ||
| Bandm |
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine." The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!" | ||
| Sleez |
Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen working at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I’m just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An elderly couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! | ||
| CJXB |
If women = problems And you're looking for a life free of problems, then you obviously don't want a woman, and this would make you happy ??? Happy = Gay !!  | ||
| Swampy |
The first equation is wrong! It should read: Women = time + money However it still works out the same in the end (Message edited by swampy on September 16, 2005) | ||
| Aaomy |
had a woman and she took all my time and money,, she left and i got my buell,, now she takes all my time and money!!! | ||
| Cochise |
Along the "bull joke" lines. This rooster was getting old, so the farmer got himself a new rooster. The two roosters were talking and the youngest one said, "Hey old man, I don't think you are all that bad, I could wrestle and kill you right now, just for looking at me funny." The old rooster says to him, "Yep, you probably could, but I am a fast runner, I will make you a deal, if you can beat me around the yard, I will never bother you again and you can have as many Hens as you would like." Young rooster says, "fine, let's do it!" While they are at the start line the old rooster looks over and says, "tell you what, you are younger than me, and are probably alot faster, what say you give me a little bit of a head start, I am so old and this will make it fair, I will even let you say go." He leads off, "1, 2, 3, go" Old rooster is out front early, about that time the farmer came out with his shot gun and BLAM!! Young rooster is dead as a door nail, farmer walks back in shaking his head and says, "Dammit that's the third gay rooster I've had to kill this week" | ||
| Tramp |
 "...too lazy to crow today..." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife! | ||
| Fullpower |
this morning, in the garage, i stood in front of the mirror, and repeated " It's not my bike, It's not my bike, It's not my bike" then rode it like i stole it all the way to work. | ||
| M1combat |
LOL  . | ||
| Prez |
a man walks in the house with a sheep under his arm and walks up to his wife and says "this is the pig i've been •••••••• .."that's no pig you idiot,it's a damm sheep"...to wich he replied.."i wasnt talking to you bitch"...hahahahahahaha.... it's a joke...that's all.so plz save me tha torture of all the pheminists...lol... | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
An Irishman walks into a bar with a pig under his arm, The barman says " Where did you get that?" The pig replies, "I won him in a raffle" | ||
| Taxman |
two blondes are talking and one says "which is farther, the moon or florida?" to which the other replies "Hellooooooo! you can't see florida!" | ||
| Slaughter |
Guy sees a blonde reading a newspaper - crying her eyes out - asks her what's so sad. She says, "says here that 2 Brazilian children died from Malaria last year." Guy says - "Yes, pretty sad." Blonde says, "Sad!!?? It's a tragedy - but... um... exactly how many is a Brazilian??" | ||
| Spike |
"how many is a Brazilian??" LMAO! Man, I can get away with surfing badweb at work if I'm careful, but laughing out loud when I'm alone in my cubicle raises too much suspicion. I'll have to stay away from this thread for a while. Brazilion . . . too funny | ||
| Fullpower |
helloooo.... the moon is like two brazilian miles away. | ||
| Light_keeper |
One Brazilian = Two mammalians. or is it two mammalians = one Brazilian One Mammalian goes into an other mammalian oh never mind. But only in one part of the world.  | ||
| Slaughter |
At The Hospital Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." "Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." | ||
| Bruce_bueller |
A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works . . " I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question . . "What's the distance from the earth to the moon ?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer . . "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks . . . "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four ?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. | ||
| Mikej |
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| Bruce_bueller |
Boudreaux, Thibodaux, Pierre, and Claude were all sittin around discussing what the fastest thing in the world was. Ol' Pierre says... " you know, i think the fastest thing in the world, is a thought, because , as soon as you think it, is there. " . Claude speaks up, and says " Pierre, you may be right, but i think a blink is the fastest thing out there, because before you can think about it, it's already gone " . Boudreaux says to them... " mais, no... the fastest thing in the world, is 'lectricity.. because as soon as you flip the switch.... the lights are on, even before you can blink " ... Good ol' Thibodaux, just rocking in his chair listening, says to them, " you boys are right, all those things are fast.. but.... i think diarhea is the fastest thing in the WHOLE UNIVERSE " .. the other three look at him like he's stupid, and just kinda question him " diarhea??".. "Yeah , " he says..." diarhea... the other morning i was sick , and before i could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.... i had ---- my pants " | ||
| Bruce_bueller |
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work! The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts." | ||
| Bruce_bueller |
Dear Tide ... I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.. Well, gotta go .... I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. Thanks, | ||
| Buellerthanyou |
Techno-geek Version of The Birds and The Bees: A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, where do babies come from?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will find out anyway, so here's how it happened in your case. Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. After interfacing for awhile, I set up a live date with your Mom via e-mail and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. Just as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!" ha + ha = ha HBJ | ||
| Buell666 |
THAT ONE HAD EXTRA CHEESE, ALTHOUGH IT WAS HUMOROUS IN A NERDY WAY! | ||
| Bruce_bueller |
Mmmmm cheese. | ||
| Old_mil |
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." After thinking about it for a bit, the man told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when you would spend only $150 to bury her here?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." |
